Items: collapsible athame, stationary fan, electric
heater, box of kleenex, gallon of chocolate ice cream, pen and paper,
cauldron, matches, old blanket from grandma, chair

Preparation: Fast from onset of menstruation to time of ritual.
Enter room, have door locked from outside.

Invocation of the East: (raise retractable athame)
"Oh, east, maiden who is yet untainted by the dark blood of menstruation,
innocent and unexposed to the searing pain and anguish of this deep mystery.
Enter this circle and remind me of the freedom from this endless cycle."

Turn to center of circle and jab athame 13 times into womb (symbolically,
of course) to banish the pain from the body. Sit and eat 1/4 of the ice
cream. Turn on electric heater to remedy the cold flashes. Write an
enthusiastic letter to a long lost friend from childhood.
Adorn with drawings of flowers and stick figures.

Invocation of the South:
(assume squatting position to ease the cramps)
"Oh, south, the fires that burn within, the heat of passion, the heat of
enveloping pain, oh bright blaze, enter this circle and light the fires
of my body"

Quickly enter center of circle and turn off heater. Turn on fan to cool
down hot flashes. Eat 1/4 of the ice cream. Reread letter and remember
some insignificant thing your friend did to make you angry. Burn letter
in cauldron. Turn off fan and wrap yourself in your grandmother's blanket.
Sit and fume for a while.

Invocation of the West:
(sit in chair and rock back and forth at an immeasurable speed)
"Oh west, cycles that govern me, cycles that control me every single day
of my existence, oh Mother who I am obviously not right now, enter and tell
me what I have to look forward to."

Eat 1/4 of ice cream. Cry hysterically for no reason until you pass out.
After regaining consciousness, clean mess with kleenex. Take off blanket
because of hot flashes. Take off remainder of clothes.

Invocation of the North:(eat remainder of ice cream while speaking)
"Oh, north, crone, wise woman, mmmble, slmmrble, slrrrrrp, mmmmblp,
slrrmmmmmblp!"

Clean face and hands with tissues. Burn used tissues in cauldron. Play
with the fire. Laugh at something that happened last week. Feel a surge of
euphoria and become one with the universe. Pick up the blanket and think
of grandma. Cry hysterically. Put on clothes and clean up.

To dismiss the quarters say: "You are all so great, I
love you all so much, what would I do without you, lets go have a pizza."

Bang on door until someone lets you out.