I feel the need to write this letter. For some reason, I feel like every other thing I have tried to loose weight with and get healthier with, will fail me. Or I will not be able to have this surgery. As excited as I am for the opportunity, I am also nervous of side effects and making sure I stay on top of it all so I avoid all the issues and risks involved with this surgery.

Anyway I feel the need to write this, to explain that I HAVE done everything I can to loose this weight. It seemed everything I did was sabotaged by one thing or another. Be it getting pregnant, and then gaining MORE weight, or being in negative relationship. I started having weight problems in high school. I never had any REAL weight issues until then. When hormones started kicking in, my off the wall humor got me labeled as a freak (back then this was a bad thing, I now know that this is a good thing that I never was part of a clique.) I had horrible ADD and was always trying to find ways to feel loved. If that included drinking with the guys, I did it. CALORIE galore… I started gaining weight. I honestly can remember looking at the scale going "OH NO! I weight182! No more pizza!" Ya right! I was always athletic because my parents told me that at the age of 8, all I remember is the blood test, the doctor let them know that I would always have a hard time metabolizing starch. So they pushed athletics down my THROAT! I was a soccer player, a softball player, a competitive swimmer and diver, and I also was a very well trained downhill ski racer. I was good enough for the coach to see a possibly Olympic competitor in me! WOW huh? 88 Olympics here I come right? Well where was MY mind? I was a spoiled brat whose parents never seemed impressed enough. It was always praise, with the added *but* at the end. It seemed I could NEVER do enough to please them. I know they did not do this out of anything but love. They only wanted the best for the daughter that was a gift to them. My mother could not have children biologically, and I was told over and over how much I saved her life. I felt I owed it to them to be that person they saw me being, however … I ended up in a self destruct phase.

I started the gaining weight during my 9th grade year, I wore the same series of clothing over and over and over. I still was not huge, but I was 30lbs over weight and hated where I was going to school. I loved skiing, that is all I cared about. That and English and the occasional "MICKEY" courses my parents let me take (i.e. art.) When I was skiing it was just ME, and the elements. No one to impress, to prove to how good I was, just the sheer wind, and cold air and me on my skis. I lost those 30 lbs with Optifast©. That was my first TRUE diet. I was in 9th grade. My mom STILL has the extracts in a box that we used to flavor those drinks! Actually I loved them but I was not as energetic as I needed to be so back on food I went!

My mom said I was a bored eater. I ate when I was bored, so she always had me doing something. When I started back at regular high school for my 10th grade year, I hit a brick wall. I realized that I probably should have stayed at the parochial school, but at the same time that little devil on my shoulder was constantly whispering in my ear. My grandfather told my parents he was SURE I was on drugs.. FUNNY! I was not! When they thought I had straightened up, I was using marijuana to soothe the feeling of nothing inside. I never was a buyer, I had friends that just gave it to me. I never did it a lot, and being a lightweight, it took a hit, and I was asleep. Which is what I wanted it for. I spent my 10th grade in my room sleeping. I gained enough weight to be wearing a tight 13 in jeans. I was wearing size 33 levis and could still fit fine in them. But I knew I was getting icky. I still was extremely active, but by the time that Spring hit, I was wearing 16's in ski pants. YUCK! I stayed there till about my Senior year, yo-yoing back and forth trying to eat less and stopped drinking the beer because it was so fattening.

By the time I hit my senior year, I had a 24 year old boy friend who was no good for me, I had hips and I had just gotten back from Germany weighing in with a 40 lb gain in 6 weeks. YEP you heard it. My mother almost died when she saw me walk down the ramp from customs. AND OFF I went with my friend to weight watchers. I was tipping the scales at 200lbs or so. I just remember how excited I was when I got down to 198 lbs. I lost it back down to probably about 170, just in time for me to go through RUSH in college. OF COURSE I had to, I was a legend with the Alpha Phi's. God forbid I hurt my parents again and not Rush! They cut all my hair off, colored it back to brown and bought me some gorgeous clothing. I rushed, I hated it and was even MORE depressed about being who I was. I gained back 30 lbs again, had to be fitted for my Cotillion dress and have it hand made of course. Here I was struggling, and when I was done with my freshman year I was starting to get that belly pouch at 210 again. THAT was scary, I hate that the most about fat people, that hanging belly, and here I am a fat person now, with a horrible one at 362.

I stayed at the college for the summer, and was raped right before school started. I did not tell anyone, let alone my parents. Not even a counselor. Well big stupid mistake because all that did is start another self destructive mode. I gained 30 more lbs drinking and eating badly. So I started loosing again. At that point I was pumping iron, was struggling to become competitive again, and had a body fat that was to low, but with the muscles I looked big to me still. I was taking Ballet for grace (ya ya me in a Tutu) and walking all over the place, In September, I coming home from a friends riding a borrowed scooter and was hit by a drunk frat boy going about 40 miles over the speed limit. That was it. I gained over 100 lbs in less then 8 months. I was 340 before the next September was seen. And I have been struggling with it ever since. No more skiing, no more enjoying swimming anymore, no more soccer and gym. I was to horrified. I started the Diet Center and lost a bunch of weight, I cannot remember how much but it was a LOT! I then gained it back 6 months after loosing it and added a little more. I then went to Nutra Systems with my mom, and ended up loosing some more, but I just was not ready … I never seemed to be where I needed to be mentally. I was just horrified how I could loose so quickly and then WHAM I would be eating ok and it would come back on! I then went on doing Jenny Craig, Nutra SYStem again, Weight Watchers, Tops, my friend gave me Fen phen during my divorce diet and I know that it helped me loose some more weight. Was down to 254, wahooooo.

Those years are all blurs, my mom says that she had me at the doctor, the diet centers, and we were doing it all. I would loose weight be happy for a few months and then it would start coming back. I ended up settling for an old boy friend and we were married in 1988. I got pregnant right away and had an ok pregnancy but the birth was horrifying. I was told I would never get pregnant again because of my weight. Nine months later I was in almost in a coma, brought on by the thyroid condition, hypothyroidism. I had been gaining weight, becoming listless, having tunnel vision, bouts of time when my body went numb. I thought I was going to die. Then idiot husband number one decided to quit his job and join the army. My thyroid still was not under control and the depression was whacked. I had a horrible chemical imbalance and I really needed to try and loose weight. Jenny Craig here I come! I lost 40lbs. And I kept it off for 10 years And now I am 20 lbs over that. I lost it and I never wanted to see it again, yet here it is.

I guess I could keep going and describe all that I have done to try and lose weight. I had a horrible time trying to control my thyroid, and until this last year I did not have it under control. They introduced true thyroid (Armour) and all of a sudden I have great numbers! I can say that here I am at 34 with five beautiful children. And I always promised myself as SOON as I was done, that I would work my butt off loosing weight. Well I am finally exercising again. Walking about 3-5 times a week, and eating small meals as I learned to with a nutritionist program at Fort Hood, TX. And I have gained 20 lbs since getting here. Talk about depressing. I walk occasionally now, but not like I was. My energy level is just shot.

I do not want to go on like this anymore. I am happier then I have been in a LONG long time in my life. I have a wonderful husband who is so supportive and all he wants is for me to be happy and healthy and to out live him! I cannot do that if I allow my body to be beat up with this fat. I cannot allow this to happen! I want to chase my children without being out of breath. I want to jog up a flight of stairs without the bone spurs in my knees crunching so badly. I want to be able to buy a pair of cheap sweats at Walmart and not worry! I want to not have to worry all the time about yeast infections in my belly button. I want to not feel my thighs touch. I want to ski again… and be free…in the elements and look what I feel like most of the time… a beautiful person.

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